You’d know that I am trying to get over you. I’m not trying to keep you around anymore. Don’t call me after you have sex with her just because it’s not the same as when we made love. Just don’t. You say I need you more. So prove that you don’t need me.
If you really knew me, you’d know I cried for an hour last night, and I threw my keys somewhere in my car and I can’t find them, I tried to cut with a utility tool in my car, but the blade was dull. I was crying because I don’t want to go back to school, at all, and I do in a week.
If you really knew me you wouldn’t glare into my eyes as if you know everything. Because I’m not guilty.
If you really knew me, you’d know that it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve heard from him and all of my hope is fading. Part of me says he’s over me. Another part worries that maybe something happened… This distance is killing me.
If you really knew me you’d know that I’m scared shitless about losing you. If you really knew me you’d know that losing you terrifies me. You’re the only person who I can trust. I don’t want you to leave, but I won’t stop you.
If you really knew me you’d know I worry that you’ll leave me and go back to her every single damn day. I worry that I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough. I hate feeling that way. If you really knew me you’d know I wish I could be like her so you could really love me. If you really knew me I guess maybe you wouldn’t be with me..
You’d know the reason why I kept my distance from you after we broke up was because I’m tired of your negative personality. You’re a poison that doesn’t need to be in my life. Stop trying to push yourself back in.
You’d know that I don’t know what to do anymore. What if depression isn’t even a factor? What if there is just something majorly wrong with me and I would never know? What if I’m just an awful person? I feel no need to live and because I don’t even care to live I feel like a worse person. I don’t want to live so I seem selfish and weak. So I hate myself. It’s this big cycle. If you knew me, you would know that I just want a person who will actually stick around and prove that I am worth trying for…
If you really knew me, you’d know that I am not the pretty, popular, happy girl that my friends and other people at my school assume I am. If you really knew me, you’d know I am a self harmer and I have attempted suicide once and still constantly think about doing it again.
If you really knew me you’d know that I absolutely hate my body even though everyone says that it’s perfect. I want to weigh less than I do.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’ve been cutting for 4 years and no one knows but me. If you really know me, you’d know that I have thoughts of suicide, and came close to following through with it. If you really know me, you’d know that I am bisexual and I’ve had people make fun of me and give me dirty looks. If you really knew me, you’d know there’s only a few people in my life, worth living for, but even with them it’s hard to stay here.